Note: A woman's life is often expected to shoulder the responsibility of a good wife, a good mother, and a good daughter-in-law. Psychiatrist Xu Yijing often sees unhappy women in clinics. She suffers from various relationships, but she has no way to change. She worships all women and sacrifices her life with her. She hopes that others will see your efforts. It is better to be a wise woman who knows how to accumulate resources for herself, so that she can live a happy life!
Walking into the clinic of psychiatrist Feng Yijing, there was a desk, a computer, and two chairs, without much decoration. The simple space has revealed the owner's character. She talked to us about the clinics she worked in recent years, using wooden floors, planting plants, and then applying soft lights. The clinic was filled with a warm atmosphere like a coffee shop. "Where I am not taking that route," she said with a smile. Patients in the psychiatric department are responsible for insomnia, depression, and inability to pay attention. Sometimes, pure and pure are just brain and nerve diseases, and can be improved by taking medicine. But many times, illness is closely related to the pressure of life. When a doctor looks like a detective, he must accompany the patient to draw a spike to find the cause of the disease. Female doctors are particularly prone to encountering female patients' worries due to gender.
After many years of medical treatment, Feng Yijing has heard many patients talk about her own troubles. Women's pressure often cannot be related to "related" — — family, couple, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law... These suffering women are often "good people" in secular definitions. To this end, she even wrote a book with the title of her feelings: "A good woman suffers the most."
A good woman will only exhaust herself! If you don’t be a good mother or a good wife, life has come from this sea and skyThis year (2021), Feng Yijing, who is just over 50 years old, pointed out that many women of the same generation and even older may have heard such a sentence during their growth: "You must be a good wife/mother/daughter-in-law in the future."
In the early years, important social positions were occupied by men, and women could play limited roles. Most parents’ expectations for their daughter are to be kind and dedicated to the family. If you perform well along the way, your hard-working daughter-in-law will eventually become a mother-in-law and become a "mother" respected by the late ones. "As for other things, you don't have to think about it anymore. It's the world of men." Feng Yijing said it bluntly.
However, not everyone can adapt to the framework of "good women". Many women will encounter many obstacles in the process of playing different roles after marriage. It's like walking in a maze, no matter how you turn around, you're always stuck in it. "Only when you enter marriage, you will know the traits, helplessness and conflicts in it."
Once, she was also the thorn in that mystery. She is married and has children at the age of 28. She works in the hospital during the day and takes care of her family when she comes home at night. Although the gentleman would "help", she is still the main caregiver. She remembered that the child was still in her infancy, and the gentleman often asked her, "What should I do now? I just became a father, of course I don't know." She couldn't help but respond, "You and I were promoted to parent on the same day!"
She admitted that she also adhered to the traditional teaching at that time and hoped to be fully equipped. "I realized later that these characters are completely in conflict with each other. How could I be perfect?" In the seventh year after marriage, she was exhausted physically and mentally when commuting, and suddenly she jumped off the platform and ended everything. Fortunately, just as she was running a horse light in her life, she thought, "I am so desperate and my brain is not bad. How could life be like this? You can think about death, but what else can't?"
After that day, she began to change her existing behavioral pattern. Don’t do things you don’t want to do, and just say things you don’t like to see. For example, past family members always arrange their weekend itineraries, and she can only accept it without choice. Now, she will say, "I want this, not that," and no longer be passively waiting for others to arrange it.
She laughed and said that after removing the framework of "good women" from her brain, life became more and more sea and sky. Interestingly, the family didn't seem to feel sleepy either. "It's clear that my previous persistence was not meaningful at all." She further pointed out that women often do things that they don't like to maintain their image in the hearts of others. "But in fact, no one wants you to do that."
Women should avoid becoming equal relationships with "no resources" to be themselvesLawy Yijing's observation, and female patients often complain about their husbands, mother-in-laws, and parents in the clinic. But when others suggested, they had many reasons not to change: "But the elders would think that I was very embarrassed when I divorced", "But I can't say anything to my mother-in-law." If you look into their psychology, in addition to being afraid of tearing their faces, the real reason is actually the lack of resources for change.
She pointed out that after getting married, women are often assigned many careless jobs, such as cooking, washing clothes, and taking children. After a long time, a teacher who has no future experience will be successful in his work and can accumulate economic capital. On the contrary, the wife's resources are getting less and less. "In the end, men began to think that you didn't have the ability to produce and thought you should have done housework for free, otherwise you would owe them." Feng Yijing expressed the bloody history of many women with emotion.
The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law's fight against "women are hard for women" is essentially a problem of resource competition. Feng Yijing analyzed that when women rely on men to obtain the resources they need to survive, they will naturally feel no security. The mother-in-law must confirm that the love, attention and money provided by the son are not enough? The same goes for a daughter-in-law. "Many men don't understand, why do you women fight to death? They don't understand, this is a battle about survival for women."
How to jump into such a dilemma? Feng Yijing believes that a smart woman must know how to accumulate resources for herself. This society always tells women to give silently and give their own things, and others will eventually see your efforts. Otherwise, it is a selfish "bad woman".
She compared this behavior like: "You have picked a lot of flowers, but you can't put them in your head. You can only give flowers to others, and then see if there will be kind-hearted people to send flowers to you."
She has seen many "good women" who saves food and uses them in daily life and dare not be good to herself. One day I wanted to divorce, but I found that I couldn't live independently. Even quarreled with my husband and wanted to run away from home, and I couldn't take out the money for staying in the hotel in my pocket. She said bluntly, "If you step into this trap and give repeatedly, you will eventually become the weaker side of the relationship."
After 50, you should have wisdom on the world and not make yourself a bitter "happy""Why is my mother-in-law always like this to me?", "Why is my husband not good for me?" In Feng Yijing's many years of medical career, such questions always appear. The client has been struggling with the same problem for many years, and tried to solve it in the same way, and failed again and again. "I have hit the same wall 100 times, and my head is broken and blood is flowing. I understand that this wall cannot be broken."
She believed that people in their 50s have seen too much about the world and faced with a more transparent attitude towards unpleasant human affairs in their lives. If you only complain and get angry, it means that the wisdom of these years has not been accumulated. Just like many years old women, they open their mouths and have been wronged by them, and they think that everyone around them owe them, and eventually they become "hate" that everyone avoids and fears.
"Everyone has met this kind of old lady, right? I don't want to become such a person myself!" said Feng Yijing. She believed that women might as well learn men's behavior logic: express their feelings honestly, rather than trying to force themselves while mourningly expecting someone to feel unfair for them.
What if I break my face with my friends because I am myself? "That's all." Feng Yijing said lightly, leaving a relationship may not be a bad thing. She had seen many patients and was in a state of distress before divorce, but she felt relieved after divorce. The parents-in-law, uncle and other marriages he discussed became passers-by in a second. The same is true for daily life. Feng Yijing mentioned that as she grows older, the value view between friends may also become increasingly different. She described that friends' distantness is as close as the heart, and the disagreement is getting farther and farther away. "In the end, they will lose all gravity and no longer appear in your life."
"I think there is a period of appreciation for the longevity, and some relationships do not necessarily need to be maintained for a long time." Feng Yijing pointed out that when a person is middle-aged, the most important thing is to maintain inner stability and satisfaction. If the flowers bloom, the butterflies will come. People with a wonderful life end their old relationship and have the ability to make new friends. On the contrary, if you are worried and try to treat others well all day long, it will not only be unhappy, but also make it difficult to create an attractive atmosphere.
She laughed and said that after living to middle age, the greatest enlightenment is that the less obedient you listen, the more comfortable your life will be. Women really don’t need to sacrifice and save others. As long as you can live a good life, you will be a true "good woman"!
Original text: A good woman suffers the most! Psychiatrist Feng Yijing: Women should have the wisdom to accumulate resources, rather than just sacrificing sacrifices