Modern clinical psychologists generally believe that the relationship pattern of an adult is largely the resurrection of his childhood relationship pattern. If a person has no reason to endure abuse or even kill others, it can be basically concluded that this person has been endured and abused.
True (1): No parents don’t love their children. This is the No.1 in the world. This sermon is so definite that it is easy to be overturned. In fact, we only need to find one exception to reverse this statement, and such "exceptions" are actually too many and terrible. For example: Ajun, a girl from Huadu District, Guangzhou, was cut off by her mother; ZLL, a graduate student at the University of Fudan, was motivated for a while because of murdering dozens of cats, but the other side of his cat abuse was his cat. The change of "I love you, so I abuse you" comes from his father's harshness and abuse of him, such as beating him for many trivial matters, and often leaving him out of his home overnight.Despite the many cases of abuse of children by parents, many people still believe that "no parents don't love their children" is true. They do not talk about logic loopholes, but emphasize that those cases are special cases. A friend told me, "I think it's one thousandth of the time that parents don't love their children."
Those who hold this kind of view can go to Baidu's "Dad Bar", "Mom Bar", "Father Bar" and "Mom Bar" on the Chinese portal website (the method is very simple, open www.baidu.com, Click "Stick", and enter the dad, mom, father or mother individually to enter the relevant post), and you will find that there are too many parents who abuse their children in the name of love, or who disdain to abuse their children directly by borrowing the name of love, and there are too many children who seem to have a deep hatred towards their parents.
Among the letters I received, at least 20% of them talked about physical or mental abuse by their parents, and some of them were parents’ perceptions of their abuse of their children, but they could not control themselves, so they wrote a letter to me for help.
This is a matter that must be faced. Modern clinical psychologists generally believe that the relationship pattern of an adult is largely the resurrection of his childhood relationship pattern. If a person has no reason to endure abuse or even kill others, then it can be basically ruled out that this person has been tortured, such as Wei Juan, a female employer of Zhuhai who abused the nanny Cai Minmin.
From this perspective, the cruel evil that finally appears in an adult can be traced back to his childhood relationship, and most of them can be traced back to his relationship with his parents. When he abused the cat, he just moved his father's way of treating him to the cat.
and this fact also has very important meanings. A very important reason why many people can't control themselves, or treat their spouses and their wives coldly, or treat others in society to tolerate them is that they cannot face the fact that they have a "bad father" or "bad mother".
Our society is particularly filial. Even if parents abuse themselves, we should think that their parents are right. However, this rational acceptance cannot curb his emotional hatred, and his parents cannot hate it, so they marry this hatred to their spouse, daughter or others.
This transfer mechanism is the basis for many evil deeds. People often write to me that he wants to kill others, he wants to hurt others. If you talk to someone like this, they will tell you at first how much those people are sorry for him, but as the chat goes deeper, he will eventually admit that it is not those people who regret him the most, but his parents or other "most loved" people.
In our society that speaks specifically about filial piety, "no parents don't love their children" becomes a huge curse, allowing us to forgive parents who abuse or even kill children, and let us not see how evil first arises, thus preventing our entire society from facing the opposite.
At this point, we need to learn from European and American countries that have a more mature social system to monitor how parents treat their children and the nourishment of severely unqualified parents.
Psychologist said this: Remember: To be a good parent, it is also a great thing to learn about fatherly love and motherly love. This is the most basic and important channel for the entire human category to reproduce and convey love. But this is not about saying that a person automatically becomes a good parent when he has a child.
True love is not a simple matter. We must be aware of this and constantly review and reflect on the specific ways we treat our children. "No parents don't love their children" is a lazy logic and the best excuse for parents to expel them for themselves. If you are particularly superstitious about this sentence, the way you treat your children must be reviewed.
License (2): I love you, so you have to hear me that this is the most typical lovely statistic in our society. Parents use this license to control children, teachers use this license to control students, men use this license to control women, and women also use this license to control men.This statute is a collective inconspicuous one of our collective experiences: when children aged one to three stumble and begin to explore the world, adults can’t help but complete tasks for their children. For example, when a child stumbles and takes a toy, the adults give him a gift; when a child crawls around, the adults stop him because of concern; when a child plays happily and shouts, the adults warn them to make a little noise.
In short, for safety and to "love" children, adults seriously hinder their efforts to explore the world. And, when the child grows up, we do this in an incremental way. For example, help the child solve all problems and make all decisions for the child. When the child refuses to accept it, he forces the child to accept it in the name of "love". Parents are doing this, and teachers are doing this.
Doing this is to kill the child's life.
Because the meaning of life lies in choices, when a person keeps making choices for his life, no matter whether these choices are wrong, his life will be rich and colorful by independent choices, and his psychological energy will continue to increase. Only by making a choice can a person be considered alive.
If this person's life is always someone else's choice for him, then his life is not intentional. No matter how much others give him, no matter how "correct" those choices are rationally ", he will be weak and powerless.
Selecting children in the name of love will be extremely confusing. Parents think they are doing what they are right, and their children don’t know how to resist. However, parents and children will suffer because of this. Parents find that they must always worry about their children, and children will often feel "depressed" and "disturbance", and even feel suffocating, just like someone is pinching their necks.
This feeling of suffocation is not difficult to understand, because parents make all decisions for their children, which is to strangle their children's life mentally. Moreover, this kind of "pinch" looks very kind. Parents think so, children think so, and society think so. Rationality is easy to deceive others, but emotions do not deceive others. Children who are "pinched" often do some extreme behaviors to express their true emotions.
Now, the situation where parents decide their lives for their children and teachers decide their learning for their children is getting stronger and stronger, and the common ways are online and rebellious, while the extreme ways are self-killing and killing people.
There have been cases of self-killing for middle school students and college students in Guangzhou, China in the past two years, and there is no clear reason for self-killing, which seems completely inexplicable. My own understanding is that most of them were "pinched" to death by this.
Under extreme circumstances, they will directly attack the person who "pinched" them. This is the psychological reason why the father of a college student named Dong in Guangzhou, and it is also the reason why some middle school students lose control and violently attack the elderly because the elderly teach themselves to study hard.
There are more and more news about middle school students and college students killing themselves in the past two years. Many supervisors who work as counselors in schools also said that the psychological problems of students are becoming more and more serious, and these two years have become more and more serious. The fundamental reason for this situation may be that the parents and teachers are too serious in choosing their children, and their lives are being severely killed.
Psychologists say this: Remember: Let go and give children space for their own self-reliance. If you really love children, please respect their independent space. Please let them choose independently. Please do not kill them mentally.
Literature (3): I love you, so we do not distinguish between the name that adults often borrow, and force children to stick with themselves. This is also a common literature in family relationships. A mother wrote a letter saying that after her son went to middle school, she no longer wanted to say anything to her. She had no way to know what the child was thinking and was very anxious. I replied that this is an inevitable characteristic of adolescence. Children must deliberately keep a certain distance from their parents, so that they can guarantee their own independent space. Parents do not need to be a cyst in their children's belly, and they must know everything.As a result, I received the second letter from this email. It turned out that this mother would not use an email, and the letter in front was sent by her son. This time it was written by my son himself, and he agreed with me, "But my mother doesn't want to accept it."
This is very simple. Being stuck with the child and not separated is not the need of the son, but the need of this mother. In fact, she could admit this and said to her son, "I need you, so please get closer to me and talk to me about my heart" without borrowing the love words "I'm for your own good."
Parents and children are stuck together. Usually, children are not unable to leave their parents, because independent growth is a life-related impulse. Unless this impulse is severely damaged, children entering adolescence will not be happy to be stuck with their parents all day long.
Parents who stick to their children seriously will cause many consequences. The most common thing is the motivation that will hinder children's development from the outside. In order to meet their parents' needs, children stop growing independently, and even refuse to talk about love because they will think that it is a betrayal of their parents.
Psychologist said: Remember: Please return to the original intention of loving children and being parents, and you should always ask yourself: Is this really for the sake of the child? Or for myself?
Book introduction
"Why does a family hurt people: Let love no longer be a burden" Author: Wu Zhihong Publishing House: Happy Culture Publication Date: 2021/10/06
Author Introduction Wu Zhihong/Informed psychological counselor and psychological marketing book writer. His representative work "Why Do Family Wounds" has been published for more than one million books in the past ten years. He also wrote psychological marketing books such as "Thank you for your imperfection" and "Why do you love the more you love the more you become lonely" and other psychological books. Teacher Wu Zhihong is good at introducing professional psychology knowledge to the public with his superior and easy-to-read texts, guiding readers to conduct self-inspection, and with 20 years of rich industry experience, he led all the readers who are trapped in various social relations and close relations, especially the original family relations, and embarked on the journey of self-healing and seeking happiness together.